Gospel Powered Parenting {Chapter 9}

Discipline That Preaches

The chapter this week has probably been the most practical yet, in that it has some specific steps and instructions for disciplining kids.  Farley lays out a suggested model for discipline, based on eight steps for how to connect discipline to the gospel.  His most important point, I thought, was to "use the discipline event to rehearse the gospel."  (pg. 169)  Unfortunately, he didn't give very much as to what this looks like or sounds like in a real life situation.  I have found this to be very important in my own parenting, so I have had to learn how to do this in a discipline situation.  I haven't done it perfectly - especially in the beginning.  I would say that because my previous understanding of the gospel has really been to hear  revival-type preaching, followed by an altar call where I would "re-dedicate" my life (again) to Jesus, I had a lot to overcome in learning what this meant, so that my poor kids didn't get THAT everytime they were disciplined.  In order to avoid this in your home,  I would suggest that you really dig into some resources regarding what the gospel really is about- make sure you understand it!   Explain it to your kids over and over again in non-discipline settings, so when the emotion of discipline comes about, you don't sound like a hell-fire preacher who is bent on converting their sinful souls.

Last chapter I recommended Tedd Tripp's book, Shepherding a Child's Heart, because it is so careful and thorough about presenting practical steps to follow when disciplining your child.  After reading the chapter this week, I feel even more strongly that you need to read Tripp's book to get a good handle on what Farley is saying about discipline.  I sort of felt like in this chapter that Farley had read Tripp's book, but he breifly summarized (some) of Tripp's method and moved on.  The how-to of discipline, especially the use of corporal discipline can be a very difficult subject and I don't think that Farley does it justice just to claim that it is necessary and biblical.  In this day and age, he really needs to do a more thorough job of explaining his reasoning, answering objections and helping parents to understand this in the right light.  Tripp's book does that.  Not only that, but he emphasizes other very important elements that need to be a part of discipline besides just the corporal discipline.  Tripp discusses child development, authority, biblical and unbiblical goals, unbiblical discipline methods, and then several chapters on biblical methods - three on communication, one on appeal to the conscience and one on "the rod".  This is the kind of thorough coverage of the subject of discipline methods that I appreciated as I was considering how discipline should look in our family. 

In addition to Tedd Tripp's book, I would also highly recommend Jessica Thompson and Elyse Fitzpatrick's book, Give Them Grace.  This book is also very specific in what a conversation with your child sounds like that "rehearses the gospel" - from everyday corrections, to specific discipline events.  Where Gospel-Powered Parenting opened my eyes to the importance of using the gospel and not just the law in my parenting, Give Them Grace and Shepherding a Child's Heart gave me specifics and practical help. 

Here are some links to the books recommended today.  I didn't use any affiliate links, because I don't want you to think I have promoted these books for my own gain.  I won't receive any compensation from your purchasing any of these books.  And you really should get them!

Give Them Grace by Jessica Thompson and Elyse Fitzpatrick
$7.99 for Kindle at Amazon
$9.99 for Paperback at CBD

Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp
$4.99 for Kindle at Amazon
$8.99 for Paperback at CBD

And this is a good (free!) video from Jessica and Elyse on the content of their book... if you want a little bit more information and insight into what it is about. 
Parenting Issues: A Mother and Daughter Perspective (Elyse Fitzgerald and Jessica Thompson)

Other book club posts can be found on the Book Club Page.

Gospel Powered Parenting {Chapter 8}

Foundations of Discipline

Are all children (and yours in particular) born basically good?  Are they sinful only when they have committed their first sin, and accountable to God only when they reach a particular "age of accountability"?  This chapter taught me that our theological beliefs about sin, really do have an effect on how we choose to parent and specifically how we discipline our children. 

It is tempting to look at our sweet babies and think of them as total "innocents", and in a sense they are.  They are completely in need of our care and protection and when those things are neglected, or as in some families they are shamefully abused, we all rightly say, "They are innocent!  They don't deserve that!"  In this sense of the word, I would absolutely, wholeheartedly agree.

In the biblical sense of innocent, however, children and babies are just as corrupted in their nature as we adults, who have been sinning our whole lives.  Because of original sin, and the sin nature that we inherited as members of the human race, we are born with hearts that are oriented wrongly.  That is, turned away from our Creator.  Our natural tendancy, as soon as we are able to express it, is rebellion.

If however, you believe that children are not born tainted by original sin, that they behave badly only because of bad examples, environment or sickness (mental or physical), then you have not rightly understood how the bible explains the basic human condition.  In fact, you may not be aware, but these beliefs I have just described (called Pelagianism) were opposed vigorously by Augustine and  declared a heresy in the year 418 AD at the Council of Carthage.  (Reference here.)

In spite of the fact that these beliefs were long ago considered heresy, you will still find them in existence today.  A person who believes these things might then go on to write a parenting book, espousing techniques meant to deal with the problem of children's disobedience that totally miss the mark.  This book review of one of those parenting books is a good example of how that works.

In our book so far, I think we have seen that Farley has clearly shown us that the main issue of parenting is not managing behavior, and preventing sin but getting to that rebellious, stony heart.  As members of the human race, our hearts are automatically oriented away from our Creator, and sooner or later (usually sooner) we will begin to express that, despite our appearance of sweet innocence.

What are the tools that God gives us as parents for getting to the heart?  They are the same tools that God himself uses as he parents his children.  The discipline and instruction of the Lord  (Eph. 6:4), and the Gospel.  Drawing from Hebrews 12:6 and Proverbs 3:12, Harvey makes it clear that "Biblical discipline always expresses God's love."  Then Harvey goes on to explain two important foundations that effect the how and the why of discipline.  He first emphasizes the importance of understanding the biblical concept of indwelling sin (which struck me the most and I have discussed above.)  Secondly, he explains the importance of authority as a crucial parenting issue, when we see it through biblical eyes - namely, in the authority displayed within the Godhead itself.

Since our culture strongly rejects both of these aspects (indwelling sin and loving, gracious authority), it is important to have a foundational understanding about what the Bible says about these things.

One aspect of this chapter that I didn't feel was as strong was his emphasis on corporal punishment.  Although I tend to agree that corporal punishment is an acceptable and biblical concept, there is a lot left unsaid about this subject that I think could use a stronger treatment.  Harvey's point in this book is more ideological than practical, so I guess I didn't expect that he might go into the details of how punishment is delivered, when it is appropriate, what dangers there might be and numerous other questions that come up when we discuss the form that our punishment takes.  For an excellent and very practical treatment of discipline that includes not only a discussion of biblical corporal punishment as well as other forms of punishment that doesn't neglect addressing heart matters as well, I strongly recommend Tedd Tripp's book, Shepherding a Child's Heart.  What I like the most about his book, is a very detailed description of a controlled, calm and purposeful method of discipline using corporal punishment that is redemptive and restorative in it's implementation.  There is not a single time that I have used Tripp's specific advice on discipline and spanking that it was not beneficial and healing to both the kids and to me as well.  Almost any other time I have spanked without his specific method, I have regretted it.  (This recommendation probably leaves you with more questions than answers, so you will really have to go get the book... and let me know what you think!)

Next week, Harvey will discuss more about what he mentioned at the beginning of this chapter - that "communicating the gospel becomes the end (goal) of effective Christian discipline." (pg 146)

As always, I welcome your comments, criticisms, and questions on this chapter or any other chapter that you have read so far.  You may comment on this page, or any of the other chapter's posts found at the Book Club Page tab.

Gospel Powered Parenting Book Club {Chapt. 7}

Gospel Fathers

Last week I mentioned that I wanted to get my husband's input on this chapter, (since it IS about fathers, of course) and I am finally getting around to the post.  I hope you had a chance to talk with your husband too!  First, let's review what the chapter was about.

Main Idea

This chapter is primarily about the importance of fathers as the spiritual leaders of their families.    Farley says, "When men abdicate, their children suffer.  When men assume their proper role, parenting thrives."  (pg. 126)  He quotes lots of statistics and explains why this is true to support what he has said. 

As the parent who is NOT the father, I began to feel a weight of despair.  I would venture to guess that you might have as well?  There are many reasons for this.  You might have a husband who is a non-Christian.  You might have a husband who is a nominal Christian.  You might have a husband who, though he is a Christian doesn't express his faith much, attend bible studies or initiate spiritual discussions with the family.  Or, you might be like me - although your husband is a Christian and a leader, you realize that YOU do not have primary control or influence - (which can be a very scary thing for someone who likes to control everything- like me!)

Farley then goes on to ask the question (that I was already asking!), "What can we do to attract men to our churches, to excite men about fatherhood?"  Here are his three answers: (pg 133)

1. (Churches should) emphasize the objective truth of the gospel
2. (Churches should) develop masculine role models (by emphasizing the model of biblical masculinity found in Christ and through men who have been impacted by the gospel)
3. We should encourage women to promote biblical masculinity.
 

Since the first two solutions need to come from the local church body and other men, the last solution is really the one we as wives and mothers should focus on, (while trusting in God to provide for our husbands in the first two areas.)

Four Ways Women Can Encourage Biblical Masculinity

Contrary to the often tried, but ineffective methods of nagging, guilting, condemning, worrying, panicking, controlling and usurping - Farley suggests a better way.

1. Direct the children to their father when they have questions.
2. Respect your husband especially in front of the children. 
3. Pray for your husband's masculinity to be defined by Christ's example.
4. Enourage your husband to lead - not by nagging, but "by calling attention to evidences of grace at work in him".

Some Thoughts...

It can be really difficult for dads to learn to take the reigns of leadership (spiritual leadership especially) in their families.  One reason is they may not have had an example of  Christ-like biblical masculinity as they grew up.  But another reason has to do with the roles and responsibilities that moms take on early in a child's life. 

From the time a baby is conceived mom is pretty much in charge of the child's nurturing and well-being.  The very nature of pregnancy and childbirth tends to make the mom more interested in finding all the best ways to nuture, feed and prepare for the child.  Once the child is born, breastfeeding, sleep patterns and staying at home with the baby can also be primarily the job of the mom.  Although we agreed on the choices for our babies, I was basically the one who did the research, chose what I thought would work best (since I would be at home with them) and shared my findings with my husband.  His job was to say, "Yes dear, can I give you a backrub?"

As we began to make decisions about school, we both agreed that homeschooling was a great choice.  But the tasks of choosing curriculums, methods, schedules and then actually teaching really fell to me.  As a result - nearly all of the leadership functions in the house regarding the kids ended up falling to me.  "Son, listen to your mother," and "Yes dear, can I give you a backrub?" was about all I wanted to hear.

Now my oldest is on the verge of the pre-teens and this statement from William Farley is really starting to hit home...

In terms of intimacy, care, and nurture - crucial functions- Mom's role is primary. But it is equally true that when a child begins to move into that period of differentiation from home and engagement with the world "out there" he or she looks increasingly to the father for direction.  (pg. 131)

In other words, I am starting to see my influence with the boys begin to wain.  They are definitely looking increasingly to their father for direction and identification!  

How can I as a wife and mother encourage, support and assist my husband in taking on this role as spiritual leader when most of the day to day leading has always been on my plate?

Maybe I should ask my husband?!  

So I told my husband that I need some help and wanted his thoughts on something.  He was definitely up for it, so we are just waiting for a date night to finish the conversation.  Here are the questions that I came up with for us... you might want to use them as well, or use them as a starting place to work on some questions that would more uniquely fit your family.

• As the boys grow older they will begin to differentiate and look to you for spiritual leadership.  How can I encourage that?
• How can I provide opportunity for that?
• How can I help you?
• What are your fears about that?
• What obstacles will hinder this and how can I assist or help find assistance in dealing with those obstacles?
• What do I do that hinders your leadership?
• What do I do that encourages your leadership?
• What do you think my greatest weakness is in submitting to your leadership?
• What do you think your greatest weakness is in initiating leadership?
• Are you still supportive of our decision to homeschool? 
• What areas do you think we could/should focus more on or less on?

Those are just a few conversations starters - some of them are similar ideas said in different ways. 

Your turn...

What things do you do to encourage your husband's spiritual leadership?

How do you think your responsibilities as the "primary care provider" sometimes contribute to diminishing your husbands leadership role in the family?

Any other thoughts about this chapter?


If you are reading along with us, I would love to hear your thoughts on any of the chapters you have read so far. You can comment here, or on the posts from any of the previous chapters. You can find all of the posts on the new Book Club page.

Gospel Powered Parenting Book Club {Chapter 6}

The First Principle of Parenting

"If you ask parents what is the most important thing they can do to raise children who will follow Christ, some will mention adequate discipline, others enrollment in a Christian school, still others the importance of homeschooling or Bible reading.  They rarely mention example.  Yet example is the first principle of parenting."     William Farley, (pg. 107)

That statement is enough to really put fear into me.  In fact, I really didn't like the whole first part of this chapter.  I felt like a bigger and bigger weight of despair was sitting on my chest.  It is probably what Jesus' disciples felt when Jesus explained the true meaning of the law to them in the Sermon on the Mount.  He showed them how what they thought were "keepable" laws were really deeper heart issues.  Not just "Do not murder" but "Do not hate", not just "Do not commit adultery" but "Do not lust in your heart".  He reveals the depth of our depravity when we realize that we cannot keep God's standards of holiness.  And this is how I felt when I read the statement above.  Even though it would require a lot of effort and commitment from me, I could do all the right actions (homeschooling, bible reading, discipline) that might guarantee that my kids would follow Christ, but if my example is the standard... I am crushed.  Does that mean there is something wrong with the standard?  Is Farley wrong about "example" being the main tool in our toolbox to raise children who follow Christ?  I don't think he is.  I think there are definitely those who have come to Christ in spite of their parents' examples, but if I am thinking solely of what MY responsibility to my kids is, it would not just be words, but a consistant example of what it means to follow God.  Did I mention how much I felt crushed by this?


Christ is the only example that perfectly reflects what it means to follow God.  So, should I just try harder and hopefully I'll come pretty close and God will say, "Well, you tried, I guess that is good enough, no one is perfect, of course, and your heart was in the right place"?  I don't think that is it.  But that is what I would have thought was the right answer for most of my life.  Just try harder.  Farley perfectly describes what I am feeling when he says, "Aware of the importance of example, sincere parents strive to model the gospel - but the harder they try, the more aware of their failings they become."  (pg. 118)

Obviously trying harder is NOT gospel powered parenting.

The answer, Farley says, is humility.

"The key to the family functioning as a redemptive community, where the Gospel is the glue that holds the family together, is parents who so trust in Christ that they are ready and willing to confess their faults to their children."  - Paul David Tripp (quoted on pg. 119)

Let me open up a window on my life to show the opposite of humility... Let's say I show ungodly anger to my children in a moment of frustration and unrestraint.  When I realize my sin, I feel shame- my pride causes me to want to ignore the action and move on.  Listen in on my conversation with myself... "After all, I apologized to them for the same kind of outburst yesterday - they will think that I didn't really mean it.  If I'm constantly apologizing, they won't respect me anymore.  In order to maintain my authority, I am not going to apologize for this, I'm just going to move on.  They were disobeying me, they need to know that they can't continue to push me this far.  In fact, my anger is just the consequences of their continued disobedience!"  OK, that was embarrassing... but do you see how all that guilt, shame, justification and blaming all came from basically the sin of pride?  I don't want to admit (to my children, or to myself) that I don't have it all together!  (I still think that I have some merit in me that deserves the favor that God has given to me.)

 

So how does the gospel help with my problem?

 

A few helpful quotes from Farley...

The gospel opens my eyes to who I really am - "wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked" (Rev. 3:17).  "Biblical humility," notes G. A. Pritchard, "is not some self-induced groveling or hang-dog attitude.  Biblical humility is seeing ourselves as we are.  Humility is a response to beholding the holiness of God."  (pg. 118)

"Those who meditate on the message of the cross strive for holiness.  Their efforts only make them more aware of their failings.  This causes them to run to the cross for forgiveness more frequently.  It causes them to need the cross more desperately.  All of this happens because they feel the weight of their sins more biblically."

What is the effect of this humility in parenting?

"Confession sends a crucial message to our children.  It reminds them that, yes, my parents are imperfect, but they are deadly earnest about following Christ, about wanting to change, and about doing things God's way."  (pg. 120)  

And I no longer feel crushed, I feel freed.

I hope that you got as much out of this chapter as I did, even though I really had to wrestle with it.  I didn't touch at all on Farley's emphasis on marriage from this chapter, because it was not the area that struck me most.  Please feel free to comment on that aspect of the chapter if it is what struck you.

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts.  Please comment on any chapter that you have finished either here or on that chapter's post.  You can find all the posts here.  I find that writing out my reflections really helps me to cement them - maybe you will too. 

Gospel Powered Parenting {Chapt. Five}

A Gracious Father

Last chapter we learned about the holiness of God, which includes his perfection, his purity, his justice and his wrath.  Pretty heavy stuff.  But such an important background to what our chapter is about today.

"The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love."

Psalm 103:8

What amazing news!  Do you realize that this is the description that God gives of himself over and over again in the Old Testament (the place we usually think of speaking mainly about his wrath)?  God's plan to extend grace to us did not begin in the New Testament, it was his plan from the very beginning.  But he knew that grace would be at a very high price.  

So what is grace?

Farley introduces us to a commonly used acronymn to understand grace (God's Riches At Christ's Expense), but he says that it doesn't quite go far enough, because it doesn't include the important concept of what we really deserved - which was holy wrath.  He also mentions that many Christians don't have a very good understanding of what grace is. 

At this point of the book, what would you have defined grace as? 

(I commonly used the G.R.A.C.E. acronymn minus the mention of what we actually deserved.) 

Farley procedes to explain grace with what he calls "five important propositions":

1. God is Free. (He is free to be gracious to some and not gracious to others - he is not obligated to give grace.)
2. God has no needs. (He is not gracious to satisfy a need in himself - such as fellowship or being loved, or being unhappy.)  *Side Note: Watch for these errors in children's bibles!*
3. Sin is infinitely offensive.  (The depth of our demerit is impossible for us to fully understand. God was gracious to enemies, not to friends.)
4. We are helpless.  (And we have virtually no knowledge of it- we believe that we merit grace by our works.)
5. My capacity to understand grace will always be a function of my understanding of what it cost the Father to be gracious.

My favorite quote from this section was: "Virtue keeps more people out of heaven than all their sins combined."  (pg. 96)  He goes on to explain what he means:

God's son came to earth and suffered infinite pains precisely because we are helpless.  Christians are those who confess, "Our situation is and was helpless."  In fact, reliance on our virtues is not a neutral issue.  It is deep sin.  It makes God angry.  Why?  Attempts to be "good enough" reject Christ, his cross, and his atoning work. (Pg. 97)

How should God's holy grace affect parents?

The author says:

1. The grace of God should convince us that our pretensions to parental perfection are futile.  
2. The grace of God makes parents increasingly sincere, gracious, and humble.  It prompts us to confess our failings and ask for forgiveness.  It causes us to administer God's discipline with tenderness and compassion.
3. The grace of God motivates us to love our spouse and our children sacrificially.

Here are the study questions I want us to focus on today:

There are many motivations for serving Christ - fear, guilt, insecurity, pride, and grace.  Which of these motivates you most frequently? 

What would a Christian look like if that person were motivated by nothing but the grace of God? 

How can we motivate our children with grace?

I look forward to your comments and thoughts on these questions!  Remember you can comment on any chapter you have read so far, by going to the book club page to find the post related to that chapter.   

Gospel Powered Parenting Book Club {Chapter Four}

A Holy Father

Chapter three taught us that God blesses parents who fear the Lord and that the fear of the Lord is taught best not in the Old Testament but through the Gospel in the New Testament.  This chapter fleshes out what is meant by that statement. 

In an effort to be brief and summarize Farley's arguments, here are some bullet points of what he argues in this chapter:

• How we parent is not about techniques, but it is a "by-product" of how we think - specifically, how we think about God.
• There are two important fundamentals in how we think about God, both are illustrated best in the cross:  his holiness and his grace.  (This chapter will explore the first- God is Holy.)
• Holiness is God's fundamental attribute.  It means he is fundamentally different than us in his perfection, and purity.  It is difficult to understand how completely "other" he is.
• The cross illustrates how completely God separates himself from sin and sinners.  "Here is the stunning truth:  Such is the holiness of the Father that when his Son bore our sin and transgressions, God separated himself from him. (Matt. 27:46)" (pg. 75)
• Part of God's holiness is also his justice.  "He is just, and his justice is holy.  It is not like this world's justice.  It cannot be suspended, compromised, or ignored.  It must be executed with perfection.  It must be satisfied.  In other words, it woud be sin for God to compromise justice." (pg. 76-77)
• Because God is holy and God is just, we next need to understand his holy wrath.  Farley quotes Jerry Bridges, [His wrath] "is the tangible expression of His inflexible determination to punish it [sin].  We might say God's wrath is His justice in action, rendering to everyone his just due, which because of our sin is always judgement."
• Another great quote:  "The real question is not: 'How can God be loving and wrathful at the same time?' Rather, ther real question is: 'How could God be good - infinitely good in the way the Bible describes him-and not feel intense anger at sin and evil?'" (pg. 79)
• God poured out his wrath on his son, who bore our sins, at the cross.  Which leads us to this conclusion:  "There are only two types of people.  There are those who put their faith in Jesus and let him bear God's wrath in their place.  And there are those who try to earn salvation on their own terms.  They will bear this wrath themselves, in hell, for eternity." (pg. 81)

Farley then draws 5 conclusions for parents:

1. The cross and it's implications teaches us to fear God.
2. The cross teaches parents to pursue their own holiness.  It causes us to take our sin seriously.
3. The cross gives us an eternal perspective.  We will one day stand before this holy God, either on our own merits, or on the merits of Christ.
4. The cross teaches us not to presume upon grace, but to take decisive action.
5. The cross makes us needy - we cannot earn salvation, we must find it in Christ alone.
  

My thoughts

For me, I would say that it is very difficult to understand the depth of God's holiness.  I too often think that he is like me.  I get angry at sin, but my anger is biased to certain kinds of sin.  It is disproportionate in it's response.  It is blind to my own failings, but harsh on others.  I see sins primarily as actions and not as attitudes.  If I (or my children) can manage our actions to socially acceptable behaviors, I feel like we are much closer to holiness - we are doing pretty well.  This is not a correct definition of holiness.  God's holiness helps me to understand that God looks upon the heart, that even the cleanest, most moral individuals still required the sacrifice of his son to atone for their sin!  I want my kids to understand just how bad sin is.  Not just lying and stealing and disobeying, but the heart attitudes that cause us to prefer a host of other things to God, that cause us to rebel against his good authority in our lives.  These things are in ALL of us, no matter how clean we look on the outside.

The most sobering quote in this chapter for me was this one:

In their book How People Change, Lane and Tripp insightfully write, "One of the reasons teenagers are not excited by the gospel is that they do not think they need it.  Many parents have successfully raised self-righteous little Pharisees.  When they look at themselves, they do not see a sinner in desperate need, so they are not grateful for a Savior."  Children raised by diligent parents immersed in the holiness of God are not apt to share this problem.  (pg. 83)

What quote stood out to you the most?

 

In what practical ways should the knowledge of God's holiness motivate Christians to parent their children differently?

If you are reading along with us, I would love to hear your thoughts on any of the chapters you have read so far.  You can comment here, or on the posts from any of the previous chapters.  You can find all of the posts on the new Book Club page.

 

Linking up today with:  Faithful Parenting Fridays

Gospel Powered Parenting Book Club {Chapter 3}

"Gospel Fear"

In chapter one we learned about important assumptions about parenting that we need to identify.  The primary assumption that stood out was the realization that the goal of our parenting should be the transformed hearts of our children through what the bible calls "new birth", or regeneration.  Chapter two explains that the gospel is the power for parenting and for producing the transformation of the new birth in our children.  In both chapters we have learned that our children need the new birth, but we cannot give it to them!

Chapter three begins with the bold assertion that the fear of God is "the most important thing that parents can possess to move God to regenerate their children." (pg. 55) Farley explains that while this is not a guarantee of salvation, it is a "general principle" that has a strong biblical basis to it.  He follows this assertion with many biblical examples that tie the parents' fear of God to blessing for their children as well.  It is important to understand that Farley is not expressing moralism (God blessing us because we are good.)  He says, "God blesses faith, and a key expression of faith is the fear of God."  (pg. 55) 


I had never thought of the fear of God as an expression of faith before, and yet he shared example after example of the fear of God preceding and motivating obedience.  Because of their fear, they obeyed.  Fear was an expression of faith, not fearing was an expression of unbelief.  This was a new way for me to see faith in the Old Testament.


Farley then begins a helpful explanation of the fear of God.  He shows that this fear has two expressions:  one attracts us to God; the other repels us from God.  One is son-fear, the other is slave-dread.

Slave-dread, the wrong type of fear, does not motivate obedience.  It causes us to run away from God.... Those with slave-dread draw back from God.  They have no conviction that he is good, that he rewards those who seek him, or that he has their best interests at heart.  All they see is his holiness, his severity, and his hatred of sin, and they run the other way.

But son-fear, the fear that comes with new birth, attracts us to God.  It motivates us to pursue God.  As we have seen the people of Israel drew back from Mount Sinai, but Moses went right up the mountain into the fiery cloud to be near God.  Why?  Like Israel, Moses saw the holiness of God.  But he also saw that the Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love and mercy and that he does not give us what our sins deserve but removes our transgressions from his presence... 

Moses' fear was more like the fear that attracts us to the edge of the Grand Canyon.  We are afraid, but the incredible beauty and vastness of the great gulf irresistibly compels us. (pg. 62-63)

 I love that image of the fear that attracts us, and irresistibly compels us!  What other images or experiences come to mind when you think of that kind of fear?


Understanding the fear of God will be important as we learn how we are to be obedient to our calling as parents.  Farley stated that this fear of God motivates, attracts, inspires, "rivets our eyes on eternal realities" and "makes parents humble, teachable and approachable".  All these things are critical elements in bringing the gospel to our children.


How did this chapter change your understanding of the fear of God?


What can a parent do to grow in the fear of the Lord?


I would love to hear your thoughts, please share them with me and the others reading along in the comments section!  (If you are reading this by email, you will need to click through to the website to comment.)


The next chapter will help us to see how the fear of the Lord culminates in the gospel, specifically in the cross.

Other posts in this series:

Join the Club!  Book club, that is.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Gospel Powered Parenting Book Club {Chapter 2}

Today brings us to the thesis of William Farley's book:

Paul tells us that the gospel "is the power of God for salvation" (Rom. 1:16).  But its power does not end there.  The gospel is the power of God for parenting.  We argued in the first chapter that our children's hearts are the issue.  Effective application of the gospel empowers parents to reach their children's hearts. (pg. 40)

Effective application of the gospel.... I'm looking forward to learning what that looks like, aren't you?

Parenting Defined

In this section, the author points out the weight of the parenting responsibility.  Rather than understand parenting as a responsibility that lasts from birth until adulthood, Farley wants us to understand that we should parent with eternity in mind.  It is the goal of Christian parenting to transfer our worldview (which includes beliefs, values and purposes) to the next generation.

Not Morality

After discussing the ultimate goal of Christian parenting, the author gives us an important clarification of what the goal of parenting should NOT be.  He asserts that well-behaved, moral children should not be the end goal.  "Morality is important, but it follows faith.  It does not produce it." (pg. 42)  He defines moralism this way:

Moralism trusts in its own goodness, virtue, and principled intentions to get a "not guilty" verdict from God on the day of judgment.  It is deceptive.  A cloak of morality over a unregenerate heart can make it difficult to discern the child's true spiritual condition.  (pg. 42)

Farley explains that it is heart change, not moral transformation that we should be after. 

Yikes!  It's that "cloak of morality" that sounds so familiar to me as a kid who grew up in a Christian home.  It's pretty easy to put on that cloak, isn't it?  Have you ever used a "cloak of morality" to cover up what you knew was pretty dark motives and unrepentant heart attitiudes?  Ouch.  I have.

It was at this point that I was feeling pretty despairing over the task ahead of me.  Who can change their children's hearts?  As soon as I asked the question, I realized that was exactly where the author was leading me.  This impossible goal of parenting will drive us to reliance on Christ, because it is impossible with us, but with God all things are possible.  Thanks be to God who gives us the victory!

Seven Ways in Which the Gospel Affects Parents

Next, the author laid out these 7 points, which he will discuss further in the rest of the chapters of the book:

1. The gospel teaches Christian parents to fear God.  (chpt 3,4 and 5)
2. The gospel motivates parents to lead by example. (chpt 6)
3. The gospel centers families in their male servant leaders. (chpt 7)
4. The gospel teaches and motivates parents to discipline their children. (chpt 8, 9)
5. The gospel motivates parents to teach their children.  (chpt 10)
6. The gospel motivates parents to lavish their children with love and affection. (chpt 11)
7. The gospel is the solution for inadequate parents.  (chpt 12)

Gospel Defined

The final section focuses on defining the gospel.  He emphasizes two important points here.  First, if the word gospel means "good news", we need to understand what the "bad news" is regarding sin and judgement.  The bad news makes the good news good.  Second, he focuses on the cross as the center of the gospel.

Thoughts?

I was most affected by the idea that parenting suddenly got harder for me, as I realized the serious, eternal reality that is before me and by the fact that it will take nothing less than heart transformation to accomplish the task.  At the same time, I became aware of how inadequate our usual parenting strategies of emphasizing moralism or other gospel substitutes are for the goal of turning a child's heart toward God.  When I started my parenting journey with the birth of my children,  I read as many books as I could find on ways to manage and train my children - from sleep habits, to nutrition, to discipline, to school choices, to love languages, to character formation and more.  This chapter has made me look at all of those things as really scratching the surface of what my children really need, which is the miracle of the new birth.

What struck you the most in this chapter?  I would love to hear your thoughts...

We will read chapter three for next week - "Gospel Fear", the post will be up by Friday morning.  Remember, you can read along at your own pace and comment on the chapters as you go - it's the no guilt book club!

Thanks for reading along with me,
Jennifer

Gospel Powered Parenting Book Club {Chapter 1}

Today we begin GCH's first ever book club!  We are reading William P. Farley's Gospel Powered Parenting together.  If you haven't got the book yet, you can join us at any point.  The posts for each chapter will remain open for comments until we finish the book - so you can join the discussion as you are able.  Today we are looking at the introduction and chapter one, which are available as a free sample from Amazon. 

 

 

Introduction

In the introduction, Farley explains how three things have affected his approach to parenting, and have prompted him to add to the huge number of books written on the subject of parenting.  Those three things are:

1. A steadily expanding understanding of the implications of the gospel for parenting
2. A realization that success in parenting had less to do with school choice than with the spiritual depth and sincerity of the parents, especially the father and
3. The centrality of the cross and the inner workings of the gospel. 

Also important in the introduction is his definition of the gospel.  He says, "The gospel is the incarnation of God's son, his sinless life, his substitutionary death, his bodily resurrection, and his ascension into heaven, from which he will someday return to earth in glory.  But the cross is the heart and soul of the gospel."

Chapter One:  Intellectual Submarines

Chapter one is also somewhat of an introduction to the book, as it lays the groundwork for the rest of the book by laying out some important assumptions.  He argues that to become a gospel-centered parent, we have to start with a gospel-centered worldview.  These assumptions comprise that worldview:

1. Parenting is not easy. Both children and parents are sinful, so we both need a Savior.
2. God is sovereign, but he uses "means".  In other words, God is the only one who can save our children, and yet he uses normal means of grace, (primarily parents) to reach them.
3. A good offense is better than defense.  Rather than "fear based parenting" which solely seeks to protect children from negative outside influences, we should have an offensive mind set, which seeks to go after the heart of our children through the "overwhelming, all-conquering power of the new birth."
4. Understand new birth.  Point three is further expanded in point four as he explains the importance of not "assuming" the new birth.  This is the section that was most compelling to me, so I will elaborate on that next.
5. Effective parents are not child-centered, but God-centered.  "In a God-centered family, everyone serves God by submitting to the authority over them."

Understanding New Birth

I want to spend some more time on what was, for me, a pretty big paradigm shift.  The idea that the new birth is something miraculous that I can't do for myself or for my children is something I don't think I had ever really thought through the implications of, until just recently in my Christian life.  Here are a few provocative quotes that I underlined that will hopefully spark some good discussion....

"Most Christian parents assume that church attendance or youth-group involvement equates to new birth." (p. 28)

"Even a child's testimony that he 'accepted Jesus' or 'asked Jesus into his heart' means very little.  That is because God initiates new birth.  Of course, the child is responsible to respond to God with faith and repentance.  But a child can go through these steps and not have the saving faith and repentance that point to new birth.  That is why it is foolish for parents to presume upon new birth.   New birth is a radical change of heart that ushers in new desires, new loves, and a new life direction." (p.28)

"The bottom line is this:  New birth is known by its fruits, not by a decision.  The most important fruit is hunger for God himself.  Effective parents assume this, and patiently wait for sustained fruit before they render a verdict." (p.30)

 Does that shake up your Christian worldview a little, or does this ring true with your experience and knowledge of scripture?  When I first started teaching my young son about Jesus, I really began looking forward to the time when he would be ready to "ask Jesus into his heart".  The fact was, I discovered it wouldn't be that hard to get any of my children to the point at which they were ready to do this.  All I really had to ask them was, "Don't you want Jesus to live in your heart so that you can be with him forever in heaven with mom and dad?"  Of course they did!  But when it came to it, I just couldn't present it that way!  It didn't seem like getting them to repeat a prayer after me was very genuine for either them or for me- it seemed manipulative!  There has to be more to being born again than that, right?  Well, yes and no.  Yes it can be that simple.  And no, it's not that simple.  New birth is a miracle and miracles are not simple.  The cause of new birth is God, not a magic prayer.   The evidence of new birth is born out in fruit, which we may or may not see immediately.  So yes, a simple prayer can be evidence of new birth - but a simple prayer doesn't cause the new birth.  So how do we know the difference?  We look for fruit, we don't presume the new birth.  But this is not a problem because both saved people and unsaved people need the gospel every day.  We need to be reminded, and we need to remind our kids, of our need for Christ, of what he has done for us.

The first time I heard the new birth explained like this was in a sermon series by John Piper titled, "You Must Be Born Again", which became the basis for his book, Finally Alive. (I love that title!) It was huge for me in understanding not only my own conversion, but what to look for in the conversion of my children. (I will be posting more on that later next week.) 

Now I want to hear from you! 

Post your thoughts in the comments section, regarding what struck you most in the first chapter so far!  You are free to agree, disagree, or ask questions, or just let us know you are here and reading along with us! I will be moderating the comments, so I will try to get them posted soon after you send them.

A few conversation starters...
What assumptions about parenting have you grown up with?
Which assumption in this chapter is most important to you at your stage of parenting?
Can you think of any other assumptions that would be important to a Christian parent's worldview?

For next Friday, read chapter two of Gospel-Powered Parenting

where the author moves from initial assumptions to presenting the thesis of the book.

Join the Club! Book Club, That Is.

I love to read and I love book clubs. So I thought, what would be better than an online book club? (Well, maybe a real book club where we all sit together at each other’s house and drink coffee and discuss our book.) The online book club offers an advantage, though…
• no feeling guilty if you didn’t finish the book (you can still participate along the way, or follow along at your own pace),
• no meetings to miss – (comment at your own leisure),
• no pressure to agree with a book or a comment because we aren’t all in the same room staring at you (we do still have to be nice to each other, though!)

So here is my idea...

I would like to read Gospel Powered Parenting

by William Farley

Gospel-Powered Parenting: How the Gospel Shapes and Transforms Parenting By William P. Farley / P & R Publishing

You can check out the introduction and chapter one using Amazon’s free Kindle Reading app. (You don’t have to own a Kindle, just download the app to your computer and then download the “Sample” of the book to your computer. (Make sure you choose “Send Sample Now” in the Try It For Free box.)
If you like it, you can buy the whole e-book to read on your computer, or buy a hard copy from Amazon or Christian Book Distributors, or your local bookstore. Your local library might even have a copy!

Here is how the book club will work:

• Between now and next Friday, preview at least the “sample” – which is the introduction and most of chapter one of the book.

• Sign up for updates, so you get the Friday book club posts sent directly to your inbox.

• Next Friday, I will post my thoughts about the intro and beginning of chapter one and ask
 “Who’s with me?” Please let me know you are reading along, by commenting!

• After that, our schedule will be basically one chapter a week until the book is finished.
 (Pretty relaxed pace, don’t you think?)

• Comment on the Friday posts on my blog regarding your thoughts, questions, agreements or disagreements!

• Share this book club with anyone you know who might benefit from the book!


Here is a quick video introduction to the book to get you curious…


Looking forward to reading with you!
Jennifer