Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Schoolroom Panic Attack

Last week I spent the week cleaning and purging our school room, moving furniture and re-stacking bookshelves with new books and school supplies.  Somewhere in the middle of all the clutter, I had a minor panic attack.  You see, like many of you who may be visiting from the "Not-Back-to-School-Blog-Hop", I have seen lots of blogs with really cute ideas of how to organize a school room - some complete with matching furniture, cute posters, tons of craft supplies and creative learning space.


I sat looking at all my mismatched desks and bookshelves, faded couches, plastic bins and dust bunnies and desperately tried to figure out how to make it look "cute" or "functional" ....or maybe just "clean".  I was suddenly overcome with discouragement.


No matter how many times I rearranged the desks, I couldn't get one corner to accomodate what I had in mind for my desk and not only did I feel my lack of appropriately sized furniture, I felt my lack of ability at working with 3-D space.  (I'm not much of an interior designer.)  I called my husband at work and much to his surprise, started sobbing... not over our lack of space or our lack of stylish furniture, but MY lack... of talent, creativity, spacial awareness, housekeeping, and decorating skills.  Have you ever had one of those snow-ball days?  Well, it didn't end there, the blizzard of self-doubt and self-pity had just begun.  (As usual when I unload my burdens on my husband, he listened empathetically and said he would help me out however he could when he got home.  Poor guy, it's hard to deal with an avalanche of feminine emotion when you are at work!)


In the past when I have had emotional meltdowns over all of my imperfections, unmet expectations and self-critical evaluations, I have eventually tried "talking to myself" using various strategies to try and crawl out of the pit.  It usually sounds something like this...

"You should be thankful for the things that you do have, think of all the people you know who don't even have a school room and wish they did."
 
"You should be proud that you aren't like all those other people who have to have 'fancy' things to do their school - you are thrifty, a good steward of your resources."

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, you should just go take a bath, or eat some chocolate, or splurge at IKEA - you deserve it!"

"You should remember that it isn't about the stuff you have but the stuff you learn that makes a good homeschool."

All of these answers have a little bit of truth to them, and some of them are definitely more "spiritual sounding" than others.  The problem is, none of them do anything to fix my wandering heart.  I may be thankful today, but my heart is prone to wander again.  Is my measure of thankfulness really the solution to the problem?  Being thrifty may be a valuable quality, but don't you think I sound a little prideful about my frugality?  Then there is the self-gratifying indulgence of my chocolate or buying binges - probably not a good long term solution.  And how long is the last argument going to last when it comes to the end of the year and I start assessing what we have learned?  I sense a whole new panic attack coming along... I'll need to get some new coping strategies... 

So where is the hope for me?  What do I really need?  I need power to change my idolatrous heart, not just more "shoulds"... laws that I can't ever live up to.  I don't need more "thankfulness", I need a Savior!  It is not the measure of my thankfulness for my "stuff"  that makes me acceptable to God, or that will make me more content.  It is the measure of Christ's sacrifice that makes me acceptable to God and it is the power of the Holy Spirit that opens my eyes to seeing CHRIST as more beautiful and more valuable than all this world and all the best school rooms have to offer.

So, I WILL be thankful, but not in my relative abundance, or in my humble lack....
I will be thankful for the gospel...  the GOOD news... will you rejoice with me?

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God, through our Lord, Jesus Christ.  Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character, and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. 
For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will scarcely die for a righteous person-though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die- but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.  For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.  More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.
(Romans 5:1-11)
Thanks be to God!

As for the school room...


It's still hodgepodge, a little less dusty, a little more organized...



...and brightened by some beautiful flowers that my husband brought home for me that day. 


Not a rebuke, a lecture, a quick fix, a to-do list.
 
Just flowers.
 
Undeserved love and grace -
just like Jesus.
 
That's what they remind me of.



16 comments:

  1. I really loved reading your post! Thank you so much for sharing. I pray you have a blessed year and many great memories. Many blessings to you.

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  2. You really got to the heart of the matter with this one. How often my "pep talks" are me centered instead of Christ centered. Thank you for writing from your heart, as it gives me a glimpse into my own.

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    1. You've got it Sarah- I needed to write it, to practice a Christ centered pep talk, instead of my default pep talk, which is really no pep talk at all.

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  3. I've felt exactly the same way so many times! The devotion you wrote was so applicable to me. The way you ended up arranging the rooms looks fantastic!

    Jodi Eckhardt

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    1. Thanks. The gospel applies to so many things, doesn't it?
      All the glory goes to Him.
      Thanks for stopping by!

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  4. I love this post! I totally relate to your panic attack and your "pep talks". I've been cleaning out our school room this week too and trying to get ready for the new year. What a great gospel reminder to start off the school year. And I love the flowers at the end...way to go, Jeff, what a guy! ;)

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    1. I'm not very good at "pep" talks, am I? HAHA!
      Jeff has gotten pretty used to flowers being a good antidote to lots of emotion.

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  5. I could identify so much with this post! For what it's worth, I think you did a great job with your space. How awesome to have a hubby who brings flowers to brighten your day!

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    1. Yep - flowers from a gracious husband, a husband from a gracious God!

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  6. I really appreciated your perspective in the midst of looking at everyones schoolrooms. I, too, have been known to call my poor husband at work and dump an avalanche of feminine emotion on him. And I love how non-classroomy you school space looks!

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    1. Thanks Amy! I do like having couches, not just worktables, that way we can "cuddle" our way through a difficult assignment. The boys all have their own desks in their rooms for some quiet work time and an actual space for writing with good posture, but that isn't in the picture. Thanks for stopping by!

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  7. Of all the school room posts I've read on all of these blogs, yours is the best! It's from the heart, and my school room is not all matchy, matchy either. I've gotten bookshelves from the trash, Walmart, plastic bins from Target, etc...

    It's not so much about where you do school, just as long as you enjoy doing it together! Have a great year!

    God Bless,
    Mary

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    1. Thanks Mary! I hoped there were others out there like me. I had someone ask me once, (who was trying to help me decorate),
      "What is your style?" I wanted to say, "Hand-me down, Wal-Mart, press-board, antique?" Um... yea. Hope you have a good year as well! Thanks for visiting.

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  8. Love the changes. Thanks for your honesty. I find that I have to guard my heart as well. There are some hs out there that have mind blowing spaces. But I am happy and content with what we have. I did decide to redo our classroom and saved every penny to make it happen and it was worth every dime put into the project. I felt before the change I was being stifled. I couldn't concentrate. What a wonderful hubby you have to help you and buy you flowers to brighten your day. I tell you I would be lost without my hubby. Wishing you a fantastic school year.

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    1. A workable, comfortable and organized space really does make a difference, doesn't it? Chaos and disorganization have the most negative effect on me, so I have to find a way to deal with that. Whenever I start to look at other's stuff, though, I have to look at what is going on in my heart and what I am desiring that might be replacing my affection for God, or making me think that somehow I will be more acceptable (as a homeschooler, teacher, mother). Thanks for stopping by and have a great year!

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